May 23, 2015
Although it’s been two full years since my mother passed away, I remember it as if it were yesterday. She was living out her final days on this earth -her time was drawing near.
No one could believe she was still alive. She had gone 23 days without food, surviving with whatever little drops of water could be sponged into her mouth. Her breathing was slowing down and her body temperature was getting cold. But she had been in and out of this state for days. Tonight was different; I felt such urgency and intuitively knew this was her last night on earth. It was 7pm.
“Think on your feet Rita.” I thought to myself. I knew I had to act quickly. I told the night nurse that I’d be right back. I was going home to grab a few essentials for myself to stay the night: toothbrush, blanket and pillow. I lived 15 minutes away so in my head I calculated a 15 minute drive home, 10 minutes to grab my stuff, 15 minutes to return. Round trip 40 minutes. I’d be back before sunset at 8pm.
I raced home, gathered my stuff and drove back in exactly 40 minutes. The night nurse met me at the door as I smiled and said, “I’ll be keeping your company tonight.” With a deep sigh she looked me in the eyes and said, “Your mom passed.” Three icy cold words. As those three words came out of her mouth, I stood frozen in time. No. 40 minutes, really I left for 40 minutes and now she’s gone. We did everything together; yet I let her die alone.
May 23, 2016
Coming up on celebrating the one year anniversary of my mother’s death, I was planning a party. It was a going away party for my oldest daughter, Heather, who was moving to Los Angeles. She had recently received a promotion at work that opened up a fantastic career opportunity that she couldn’t turn down. Outwardly I tried to downplay how tough her moving away was going to be for me. I feigned excitement but inside I knew the void was going to be difficult to fill.
Living in the same city enabled Heather and I to share so many moments. We worked out together, grabbed lunch as often as possible, shared clothes, shoes, and created such fond memories. In those last months of my mom’s life, Heather went to the group home every evening after work to be by her Nana’s side and keep me company. Besides being a devoted granddaughter, Heather is a loyal sister. She accompanied me to all of her brother’s activities. We would freeze (Arizona freeze like 50 degrees) during the winter at his baseball games, we would burn in the scorching heat of the summer (getting farmer tan lines) watching him play. We sat through countless hours of his dance performances at school. We did everything together.
On this May 23, a year later, I watched the movers come and efficiently wrap, pack and load all of Heather’s furniture into a moving van. I stood by her car and took snapshots of her and her pit bull Scarlett as they drove off towards the sunset, it was 8pm.
May 23, 2017
As I’m attempting to write this blog, my mind is swirling with all the things I need to do to prepare for my son Rock’s graduation. Yes, a year has passed since Heather left, and two years since my mom left, and ironically I find myself planning yet another party in May.
So why am I taking the time to write a blog when my to-do list is as high as Mount Everest? It’s important for me to write this not just to share these powerful principles with you, but for my emotional wellbeing. You see I will be experiencing yet another May loss. The day after Rock’s graduation party, he too, like his sister, will be moving away. He won’t be driving off into the sunset since he’s not moving west – he will be driving into the sunrise –moving east to Texas.
Rock, the youngest of four, was the last child at home. He has been a constant source of encouragement, love, and support not only to me but to everyone he meets. Being a single mom for the past 7 years and having the other 3 kids “adulating” and out of the house, Rock lived as a seemingly only child. He was my standing Friday night date (until he discovered girls); we would play cards and board games most every night (with him reigning as the UNO champ).
I’d walk him to his car every weekday morning at 7:15 as he would leave for school and we would do the checklist:
- backpack – check
- homework – check
- hydro-flask – check
- lunch – check
- baseball bag- check
Lastly, we’d lock pinky fingers and pray. Then he’d drive away blowing me a kiss goodbye as he rounded the corner. I will miss him, the moments shared, and his huge heart more than I can say. We did everything together.
So, what are you missing? What has left your life that may or may not return? Who or what has driven off into the sunset? Maybe you’ve lost a loved one, experienced a divorce, a breakup or career loss. Perhaps you’ve had the misfortune of your health failing or you’ve been in an accident that has altered the course of your life; whatever you’ve facing, I’m sorry for your loss.
Despite the losses we experience in life, one thing is guaranteed – life goes on. The sun rises and the sun sets without missing a beat. Seasons come and seasons go never to return in the exact same way as before. Since life goes on without missing a beat, how can you do the same? Let’s look at 3 winning keys to accepting loss and flourishing.
3 Keys to Acceptance:
Key 1: Discover the “Gift” in the Purpose
- Looking for the gift in your circumstances, albeit positive or negative, is a pivotal key to being able to let go. Let’s take my mom for example. In my case, my mom had purpose inside of her till she drew her last breath. In those rare few moments of my mom’s last weeks, when she did speak, she was extremely lucid and spoke words of encouragement to anyone who was an audience to her. In her fragile state, body wasting away with pain, some of the last words spoken by her were: Trust God! You are so pretty. Jesus loves you. She was nothing but skin and bones on the outside but beaming with hope and life on the inside. She left a gift to everyone around her; a powerful picture of purpose. What gifts can you see in your situation? What gifts can you give to others to encourage and inspire them?
Key 2: Clear all Baggage
- Baggage refers to resentment, hurts, fears, guilt, and shame. These toxic emotions not only have the power to paralyze you from moving forward, they actually can cause physical illnesses. In my case, I had to forgive myself for the 40 minutes that I left my mom. I blamed myself. I beat myself up day after day for leaving her. The truth of the matter was that I was a loving, nurturing daughter. I had taken care of my mom for years. I left those 40 minutes so I could stay the night by her side. My judgement of time was wrong, but my motives were not wrong at all. In all honesty, my mom was ready to leave this world, but she was not ready to leave me. God allowed me to leave the house for 40 minutes to show us both grace. We were blessed that we had had an abundance of time to share our lives together. I had to learn a tough lesson; I had to learn how to forgive myself. Is there anything you need to forgive yourself for? Is there someone you need to forgive? Forgiveness brings healing and closure.
Key 3: Become Other-Centered
- According to Dr. Wayne Dyer, peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think is should be. What mindset shift needs to happen for you to move from Me-Centered to Other-Centered? Honestly if you live in a Me-Centered World, you will feel more pain, discouragement and resentment than if you lived in an Other –Centered world. Why? Because you have created a world that is fixated and revolves around you. The anecdote to this is to serve others. Smile at people, be kind, and actually listen to what others have to say. To experience all life has for you, you have to step outside of yourself and become part of a cause that is much greater than yourself.
The sun has risen and set many times in the past three years- 1,095 times to be exact. Recently, I spent a week in San Diego – a shared memory spot where Rock and I would always go to watch the magnificent sunsets at Sunset Cliffs in Point Loma. Sunset time was 8pm. I made sure I was there from 7-8; the time that stood etched in my mind as one of the biggest mistakes I had ever made. No longer. I’ve forgiven myself. I recognize and am grateful for all the gifts I have in life, and intentionally try to place others ahead of myself. It’s made all the difference. I’m free and I wish the same for you.
Rita helps her clients:
• Embrace their true potential
• Change their limiting beliefs/thoughts
• Create Purpose
• Live Empowered, Confident, and Successful Lives
- Overcoming Pain with Resilience: Adaptive Coping Mechanisms - April 29, 2024
- Overcoming Pain Appraisal - April 1, 2024
- Overcoming Pain With Resilience - March 19, 2024